Narrative Feedback
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Here follows the feedback I provided to our narrative designer in regards to our introductory video​.

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​Before

The main problem with the writing is that it's too vague and metaphorical. The game is a hack and slash about an angry viking killing a bunch of zombies. The writing should fit that feeling. Aside from that, it's also quite bland, but the most important thing is, it doesn't clearly set-up what's going on in the world or the player's goal. 

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​​After

The final rewrite turned it into a much clearer introduction. No more vague metaphors or plot points that people wouldn't understand. After watching the introduction now, the player would have a much clearer understanding of their goal and where the evil came from.

Here are some snippets from actual feedback I sent to the designer.

In-Game Dialogue Feedback

The project also included some in-game dialogue. The example in this project is about the very first line Einar speaks when the game starts and the very last line he says when the game has reached it's end.

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The Lines (Version 1):

Intro Lines
“I may be bound by the chains of time, but I will not be held down by them. I will reach the end, dragging my abominated body along with me.”
Outro Lines
“I will follow wherever my sins may lead me. To an isolated end where I will become one with my own darkness.”​

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The Feedback:

The Lines (version 2):

Rewritten Intro Lines V2
“I will make it end, even if I have to drag this cursed body of mine all the way.”
Rewritten Outro Lines V2
“Here I will rest, as a sinner alone, forever.”

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The Feedback:

​The End Result:

Rewritten Intro Lines V5
“I will kill everything, and everyone, with my own hands.”

Rewritten Outro Lines V5
“I will not fall, not before I end this.”